Image by @akurakuu from Unsplash
Someone I work with sent me a message, asking about something for work. I saw it. I did not reply straight away.
I was busy, and that part is true. But it is not the whole truth. I did not have a good working relationship with this person, and I did not want to respond. So I let the day fill up, and busy did the job of explaining the delay.
I did reply, within the day. I apologised for the late reply.
The apology was sincere, and it was also incomplete.
Here is what I have learned from moments like this. A full calendar is a very respectable place to hide. Nobody questions it. Nobody says, "You are busy, but are you also dreading this?" We accept "sorry, it has been a hectic day" without a second thought, including from ourselves.
When a relationship is difficult, an instant reply is often a reaction, not a response. Space can be the difference between a message you regret and one you stand behind.
The problem is when we stop being honest with ourselves about what the space is for. There is a difference between pausing to think about how to reply and staying busy so I never have to think about it at all. From the outside they look identical. Only you know which one you are doing.
Here is my test. Did I use the gap to prepare a reply, or did I use it to avoid the message? If I am honest, it was a bit of both, and that is usually the case.
What I try to remember is that a pause has a limit. If it stretches on, it stops being thinking time and becomes a habit of avoidance. And what we avoid does not disappear. It waits for us.
So the next time you type "sorry for the late reply", ask yourself quietly: was I busy, was I reluctant, or was it both?
Be honest about which one. It is not comfortable, but it is useful.
